We all know, don't we, that girls fall, in all senses of the word, for Ivan the Terrible. (No wonder, the bad old Russian Tsar is said to have had lots of women). But how often do you come across a girl who will admit it?

Well, I just did. This Nigerican (as in Nigerian American), probably in her mid-20s (you can never tell with women), does not mince her words. And she went straight to the point when we went out for a drink: “The only men who interest are hardcore criminals.”

In other words, don't waste my time trying to be nice. Show me how bad you can be and I will judge if that is bad enough.

“Oh girl, I can be bad, very bad,” I took her cue, my mind racing back to summon all the terrible things I have ever done. 'Cutting' class? Jumping over the school fence to go to the disco? Small-time gambling? Lying to my girlfriends? Hardly bad, let alone criminal.

Whatever you may think of Wang, the one thing he has never been is bad. For Chrissake, he doesn't even have the guts to slaughter a chicken. There was nothing I have ever done that would fly with this girl. I would just have to make up something.

“The other day, I stole a policeman's gun,” I said. She burst out of laughing. “What's funny? I am not kidding!” I insisted, trying to keep a straight face. “The guy was using the loo and he had placed his gun on the floor. I passed my hand under the door, grabbed the gun and took off. By the time he pulled his pants on and rushed out of the loo, I was gone,” I explained.

She didn't buy it. “Even if it were true, which it is not, I wouldn't be impressed. I am talking bank robberies, drug running, assassinations, arms dealings, not petty theft!”

I may pride myself as a good liar, but I was obviously out of my element here. I couldn't come up with a good, credible crime story. I was tempted to claim that I had fought alongside Mr. Joseph Kony, but I feared the claim might reach the International Criminal Court, who might take it rather too seriously.

In the end, I confessed that the worst criminal activity I have ever engaged in was waking up at 4 am to steal school porridge before going to 'crack' my books.

“But I am ready to shoot someone, if that is what you want,” I offered. I didn't sound convincing, even to myself.

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