If you are married – or have any intention of doing so – you would be ill-advised to move to America. Marriage is decidedly not part of the American dream, certainly not the part that comes true.

So where are all the men? You can be sure they are not in Iraq fighting ‘terrorists’. Stereotypically, black women are the most hit, or liberated, depending on the way you look at it. Only 30 percent of them are living with a spouse, compared to 55 percent of white women and 60 percent of Asians.

With marriage pretty much on the deathbed in America, relationship experts have been scratching their heads (and lining their pockets) in search of a cure, or rather, a vaccine.

The result is a whole bunch of ‘critical’ questions that, these experts say, couples should ask themselves before marrying. But reading through the questions – 15 of which were published by the New York Times last week, one starts to understand why one in two American marriages ends in divorce. Americans simply ask the wrong questions before saying “I do”.

Here is a sample of the questions the experts say couples should ask themselves:

• Have we discussed whether to have children? (Why the hell are you getting married then?)

• Do we have a clear idea of each other’s financial obligations and goals? (If you did, you wouldn’t be talking about marriage in the first place. In any case, who hasn't heard the term “gold digger”?)

• How will the household be maintained and who will manage the chores? (Excuse me! The woman cooks, the man watches television.)

• Do we like and respect each other’s friends? (If we like each other’s friends, this is not a subject of discussion.)

• Are there things that you and I are not prepared to give up in marriage? (The man always hangs out with the boys, watches soccer in the bars and goes to the nightclubs. The woman must not give up putting dinner on the table, running a warm bath for the man and putting the kids to bed.)

Obviously, American couples have been getting the wrong advice. The only question I found ‘critical’ among the experts’ list of 15 was “will there be a TV in the bedroom?” The answer to that – if you want a successful marriage – is most definitely yes, with the remote unit strictly on the man’s side of the bed.

The list did not feature the all important questions: ‘Does the woman cook brilliantly?’; ‘is she jealous of other women?’ and; ‘is the man a good liar?’

If they want their future marriages to last, American couples will have to stir clear of the so-called relationship experts.

My granddad did not talk to a single expert but by the time he died at the age of 70, he had been happily married to four women for more than 50 years without a single separation, let alone divorce.

And as far as I could, his four wives were pretty happy too.

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