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The news: Uganda has recently launched free secondary education
The spin:
Kampala, February: With the launch of Universal Secondary Education (USE), the government is well on its way to realising its ambition of turning Uganda into the most ignorant nation on earth.
The introduction of USE follows the roaring success of its predecessor, Universal Primary Education (UPE), which has seen millions of wide-eyed kids transformed into very serious nincompoops who can hardly write or read their names.
“Universal Primary Education has delivered beyond expectations. Nowhere else in the world do you get kids completing primary school unable to recite the alphabet. This has got to be a record!” an official of the Ministry of Movement Politics, which is behind the project, told The Analyst.
Under UPE, all children were required to show up at school everyday, where they would experience the beauty of ignorance. The teachers were poorly paid so that they wouldn’t teach, the school premises were not expanded so that the kids would spend the day eating mangoes under trees and text books were not provided lest the kids wondered what was written in them.
Children were not allowed to skip school for fear that if they stayed at home, they would learn how to grow potatoes and milk cows.
“UPE proved what we had always said; that you can take a country of fairly intelligent people and turn it into one of fools. Now with USE, we shall be able to consolidate this fundamental change,” the official from the Ministry of Movement Politics said.
Explaining the policy, the official said that his government had realised that it could not provide jobs to learned people, so it had decided to unlearn the people instead. This, he said, was not only cost effective, but it had political dividends as well.
“It is the ignorant peasants who had always supported us, both in war and in peace, precisely because of their ignorance. So it only makes sense that promoting ignorance should be the centrepiece of our political and economic agenda,” the official said.
Meanwhile, foreign governments, from Johannesburg to Beijing and New Delhi to Washington, have hailed Uganda’s policy of promoting ignorance as “quite visionary.”
China said that its farms could do with a few imported peasants as its citizens become increasingly engaged in high-tech industries. An American official said that “a bunch of idiots” could be quite useful in fighting “crazed terrorists” in Iraq and Afghanistan.
But a Ugandan government official said, “We want to keep our morons right here in Uganda where they can be most useless.”
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