“We are not going to allow any opposition group to murder innocent people. That right is exclusively reserved for the government and its supporters. Any opposition group that attempts to arrogate to itself the right to kill will face the full wrath of this bloody government,” the visionary leader of the East African country declared following a riot that saw at least three innocent civilians killed by rowdy demonstrators.

The government has implicated opposition supporters in the murders. Opposition leaders have denied the allegations.

“To attack, insult or damage the property of any [citizen] or guests of [the country] is something [my] government will not tolerate,” the visionary leader stated in a press statement on the mayhem. He added, between the lines, that only he and his government are entitled to attack, insult or damage the property of citizens such as schools, forests and livestock farms.

“From our time in the bush, we made it very clear that only our group could engage in acts of looting. That is why we stole UCB cash, BATA shoes and school trucks. Now if opposition groups think they too can steal, I have news for them: we shall finish them.”

The visionary leader advised all those who want to commit murder and other acts of havoc to first join his party. “If you want to beat up innocent civilians or shoot them in the head, my advice is that first join our party.

"When you are a member of the party and you shoot into a crowd or you torture someone to death, we reward you handsomely. We can even make you a minister of disaster or something,” the visionary leader stated, adding that his government will not tolerate “any competition in the killing business.”

Scared civilians The Analyst talked to said that they don’t want to be killed, whether by government or opposition supporters.

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