The News: President Museveni had defended the mysterious Kiboko squad, a band of stick-wielding men, who beat up opposition supporters during a demostration in Kampala.

The Spin:

KAMPALA, April: A visionary cattle-keeper has revealed that he has been quietly training the “Kiboko squad” - a band of stick-wielding hooligans who have emerged out of nowhere in recent days.

The cattle-keeper, who praised the “excellent work” being done by the squad, said that he has been training the Kiboko squad to take care of his increasingly restless “cows and bulls.” The herdsman said that since 1986, his kraal has grown to include “over 26 million head of cattle.”

“As a cattle-keeper by birth, I know that the best way to control a bull or a cow is to give it kiboko. My farm has been been growing since 1986, and some cows and bulls were beginning to cause me some problems. That is why I trained the kiboko squad to beat them back into line,” the cattle keeper explained.

The herdsman said some of “his cows” had grown such long horns that if they were not clobbered properly, they could damage his farm house. He complained that in recent days, the cows had been involved in serious acts of vandalism and needed to be reined in. He threated to slaughter the more troublesome cows if they did not start behaving.

“These cows don't know how lucky they are. I could have sent them straight to BB's abattoir in Industrial Area for beef, hides and skins, were it not for the fact that some animal rights activists, like Animosity International, would make too much noise. That is why I went for the Kiboko squad solution. But if they continue rampaging, I will send them to the abattoir, animal rights crusaders notwithstanding,” the herdsman threatened.

In the past, the cattle keeper, whose personal estate includes rain forests and oil wells, has tried different tricks to silence what he describes as “noisy cows.” He once bred and deployed black mamba snakes against the obstinate “cows,” but they were only cowed for a while. It is not clear whether the latest tactic of the Kiboko squad will keep them quiet for ever.

“If the worst comes to the worst,” the cattle keeper warned, “I will just give the entire farm to sugar growers.”

A sugar grower confirmed that he would be pleased to take over the cattle keeper's farm and convert it into one big sugarcane plantation.

“After all, the owner of the farm has confessed that he couldn't resist sugar from the time he was a kid. If he gives us the farm, we can give him enough sugar to lick till his tongue gets sore,” he said.

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