The News: British media has reported that due to political repression in Uganda, Queen Elizabeth of the United Kingdom may cancel a planned visit for the Commonwealth Summit in November.

The Spin: 

Kampala, May: Government is reportedly shopping around for a queen to serve as a “dangerous substitute” if the real Queen of the United Kingdom and Head of the Commonwealth, Her Majesty Elizabeth II, boycotts the Commonwealth Summit due in Kampala in November this year.

Sections of the British press reported recently that Queen Elizabeth may decide not to attend the summit because of an alleged lack of democratic rule in Uganda. The Queen is reportedly concerned about the violent clampdown on the opposition.

“We are not taking this disturbing news lightly. We would like to assure Ugandans that we shall have a queen for this summit, one way or another,” a government source told The Analyst.

The source revealed that the government is quietly shopping around for women who could act as the queen if the need arose.
“We have dispatched our scouts to [the Democratic Republic of] Congo where we hear there are many queen dancers to see if we can find one to pass off as the Queen of the United Kingdom,” the source said. “The potential problem with Congolese queen dancers is that they only speak French. But if we find a good one, we are willing to take them through a crash programme of Oxford English.”

Other sources told The Analyst that government had considered Princess Elizabeth Bagaya of Tooro to be the substitute queen, but the proposal was not carried through.

“Bagaya, given that she is a princess and even shares a name with the Queen of the United Kingdom, would have made a perfect substitute. The only problem was that when we looked at her closely, we realised that she is not very white. Also, we feared that some members of the opposition might recognise her and blow the lid off our secret,” the sources said.

The government team charged with finding a substitute queen has also approached the Miss World Organisation, according to our sources.
“Miss World has been putting out beauty queens for many years now, and we thought they could help us in finding a good substitute queen. They could, for example, supply us from their large catalogue of past beauty queens,” the sources said.

The government has also spoken to the organisers of Kampala’s Goat Race to inquire about the availability of the spoof queen who attended the last goat race.

“We thought she did a splendid job of imitating the queen, so she might be the answer to our problem,” a government source said.

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